I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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