whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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