dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
