well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
