Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
