I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
