I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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