a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
