I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
