Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
