i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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