I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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