One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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