I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
