I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
