Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
