You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
