I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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