I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
