Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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