based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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