I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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