Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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