i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
