Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
