I skipped work to stalk him.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
