Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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