My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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