i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
