Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
