When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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