you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
