so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
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