There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
