I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
