I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
