By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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