It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
