When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
