this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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