quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
