Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I just found a bag of teeth...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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