if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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