How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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