His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
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