I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize
