you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
