Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
