eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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