i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Randomize