oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
