That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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