My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Randomize
