ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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