Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
