so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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