I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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