sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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