Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
