Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
