Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
