pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
