Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
