she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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