i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
