My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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