What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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