If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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