oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize