just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
