Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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