now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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