I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
