i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
